Musings from a Grateful Convert: Christ’s Coming and a Conversation in Heaven
The following is an imagined excerpt from a recently unearthed ancient manuscript found somewhere in Mesopotamia. The original was probably written in Ancient Hebremaic and has been dated between 2 and 6,000 BC. The really curious feature of the manuscript is that it appears to be written in a format strangely resembling a 20th-Century radio drama. Please bear with the somewhat sketchy translation.
Conversation in Heaven
God: Hello, St. Michael!
Archangel Michael: Good morning, Sir. Oh, I forgot to congratulate you on the Cambrian Explosion. That was nifty; if there ever will be such a thing as universities, this will keep them busy for years.
God: Yes, it will. But, there are “bigger deals yet to come.”
Archangel Michael: Uh, speaking of which, Sir, there’s been some scuttlebutt over at the fire-cooler about something You have planned.
God: O.K.,…such as?
Archangel Michael: [clears throat] Um, the word on the street is that You are going to—I know this sounds crazy—become a man and go down to earth.
God: That’s right…And?
Archangel Michael: [clears throat again] Well Sir, the word is that you’re not just going down to Earth, but You’re going to walk around and actually live with these people You created.
God: Yes, That’s right. I’m going to save them.
Archangel Michael: OK, these are the people You created who willfully disobeyed and then ignored you, like, for centuries now. Isn’t that going to be a little frustrating?
God:Well, for one thing, I will make it so nobody suspects I am God until and unless they believe in Me. Anything else?
Archangel Michael: [clears throat one last time] Well yes, Sir. there is one other thing. Word has it that you are not only going to live among them and interact with them, but you are going to [beat] die for them.
God: Well, I’ve gotta get them back someway, and this is the Way.
Archangel Michael: You really want to “save” these people who have done basically nothing but disobey and make fun of you for freaking ever; plus, and I wan’t going to bring this up, but they have made life miserable for us in the Host. The Guardian squad is demanding hazardous duty pay.
God: I love them.
Archangel Michael: Right, but all sound logic and conventional wisdom militate for just getting rid of them all and starting over, maybe putting zebras in charge.
God: I love them. Please remember, I am love.
Archangel Michael: So You’re going to drop down out the sky on a chariot of fire and hang with humans.
God: Actually, I’m going to be born as a human among them.
Archangel Michael: Did you say “be born”? Pardon me, as I’m sure You’ve thought all this out like You always do, but how can you be born among a filthy, vile, sinful, and otherwise disrespectful population of beings?
God: You’re right. I’ve got this all planned out. I’ll be born of a teenage virgin who will remain a virgin after my birth. People who have trouble navigating my Plan can go ask my Mother for help. Believe it or not, I already know a maidservant named Mary who will be available if I can get her to go along with the idea.
Archangel Michael: Whoa! You’re going to be born of a virgin? Unmarried virgin?
God: Of course not. She’ll be in the state of betrothal.
Archangel Michael: This will prahhhhhhhhhbably generate a scandal, you know, a woman being pregnant out of wedlock.
God: Not to worry. I have just the man—Joseph. He can handle it.
Archangel Michael: Joseph, the old guy? With a young wife? Okay, another scandal.
God: My dear St. Michael, you got a problem with scandals? You ain’t seen nothing yet. For example, for people to be saved, they’ll need to eat my flesh and drink my blood.
Archangel Michael: Gotcha. People will cry, “Cannabalism!” Okay, when do we start?
God: Now. Get the guys on line—Raphael, Gabriel, the others—and have somebody get ready to go down and talk to Mary.
Archangel Michael: It’ll be Gabriel. Raphael is going to be tied up duke-ing it out with the Prince of Ethiopia.
…end of manuscript fragment.
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