So, I’m yelling at my son, “Don’t drink that root beer kid, it’s just a cold
glass of high fructose corn syrup.” Without missing a beat, he says,
“Dad, look at the labels of the ketchup and pickles you just smoothed
all over your burger.” My smart kids grate at me sometimes.
So I read, and high fructose corn syrup is in both. “Na-uh,” I say.
“Uh-huh,” he says, and he goes back to gulping his fructose pop, and
that really sets my teeth on edge.
Seeing this, my wife, who is always ready for a good fight, piles on.
While nibbling on her organic yogurt and fruit, she calmly says,
“What’s in your glass, honey?” And I’m frantically looking for a yellow
flag from the ref and 15 yards for an unnecessary roughness hit that
I’m about to take. “Water, sweetie.”
Hitting someone in football is all about the angles, and she just
positioned herself to slam my butt outta’ bounds. Then she calmly
pulled up on her cell phone a partial list of chemicals and unregulated
contaminants in our community drinking water. And she starts
reading, “chromium and vanadium from steel mills and fuel disposal
sites, leakage from septic tanks, arsenic, and hormones.” That was a
cruel hit. I should send this spousal abuse footage to the NFL.
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