I prayed at the holy shrines That she would become As pitiless and cold
As the storm on Hase’s Hills
–Minamoto no Toshiyori (10th Century Japanese Poet)
Have you ever prayed with great sincerity and fervor for something only to feel like those prayers have gone unanswered—or worse answered with a resounding no?
Unanswered prayers, or prayers that are not answered in the way we hope they will be, may hurt. I know, I prayed for my little daughter to be healed of cancer. Everyone I knew seemed to pray the same thing—fervently, sincerely, and with great hope. There were healing unction services held for her with several priests and two famous icons, the Sitka icon and the Kursk Root icon. We prayed, we hoped, we tried to do everything right. Yet, with all that, and the best medical care possible, she died.
Confronting Loss
Sometimes after her death, I felt that God had been close to us in our suffering, and He was still close to us. I simply needed to be patient and wait, because my loss was not forever. I trusted He was giving us comfort and caring for us even in our grief.
Other times, I felt bitterness invading my heart. I’d pray but feel like I was just talking to my walls. I tried not to ask why, but then I would ask why and become lost within my own despair. I felt like hiding at home, hiding from the joy my friends had, because it reminded me of my loss. Many times I wished that I could run away from my own grief, because inside my heart, the grief felt relentless.
It was not for this that I had prayed.
We know in our hearts that when we pray, sincerely and fervently, we are praying for God’s will, not our own will. Jesus Himself modelled that for us in the Garden of Gethsemane. But our own will keeps tugging us back in its direction. Surely God would want us to be happy, healed, loved, or successful.
Does He? What does God want for us?
He tells us He wants something even better for us than the things of this passing world. God wants us to become like Him. Our purpose, our reason for living, is not to be happy, healthy, and accomplished in this life, but to be deified, to become ever more like Christ both now and on into eternity.