Behold, Thou desirest truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.
Psalm 51:6
I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
Romans 7:15
When it comes to living a double life, everyone falls into this category. We are in this category in at least one, if not two, ways. Hence the two verses for today. Either we have a secret we don’t want anyone to know. Or we have a habit that we can’t break. Either/both of these can keep us from feeling good about our walk with God. In fact, the hypocrisy that we undoubtedly feel makes us question our faith, our worthiness of God, and whether our journey will end in salvation or condemnation. Let’s unwrap this a little bit and see if we can find some encouragement.
My favorite Psalm is Psalm 51 (in the Orthodox services, it is usually referred to as Psalm 50, based on the Septuagint numbering of the Psalms) and one of my favorite verses from Psalm 50 is verse 6, which acknowledges that each of us has a secret heart, a piece of us that is unknown to anyone—this place is likely filled with doubt, shame or guilt that is too embarrassing to admit to anyone. Of course, we know that God knows everything. So He knows 100 percent about each of us, even if we only share 99 percent of ourselves with the world. Ideally, we are able to share the one percent of ourselves in confession. There are some things that we feel guilty and shameful about that can and should be released in the sacrament of confession. There is no need to walk around weighted down by shame when there is a way to release it. The cause of sin might not be so easy to admit, or even understand—why do we think the way we think, what leads us to commit the sins we commit. Where do these sinful desires come from? Sometimes these are beyond the scope of confession and need some in depth counsel. Sometimes we can’t admit truth, even to ourselves. This is why we need the wisdom of God to come into our secret hearts and put not only knowledge, but comfort in them, to heal the thoughts that lead to the secret guilts that weigh us down.
The second thing that is a challenge to us is our bad habits. We all have them. I have always liked ice cream. It tastes good. In moderation, ice cream is not a bad thing. However, I have always struggled with moderation when it comes to ice cream. It’s the go-to when I’m super stressed or super sad. It is easily accessible. I can eat it privately and no one will know. The problem with ice cream is that in excess, it is unhealthy. I’m overweight because of my indulgence in sweets. So, I eat the ice cream, enjoy while eating it, and then immediately feel guilty for doing it because I know it is bad for me. And yet, I keep doing it. The temporary joy comes with immediate guilt and actually overshadows the joy. For me, the sin is overindulging ice cream. Others overindulge in alcohol or turn to drugs or pornography. Some people are addicted to their phones or binge-watching television. And like my bad habit with ice cream, they get their fix and immediately regret it.
As Christians, we all have things that we are doing, and shouldn’t be doing; and we all have things that we should be doing that we aren’t doing. For instance, it sounds really good, and sincere, when someone asks you to keep them in prayer and you agree. But then a large percentage of people don’t actually offer the prayer. I’ve been guilty of that, not every time, but many times. Now, when someone asks me to remember them in prayer, I usually stop them right then and offer a prayer for them. Many times, I do offer a prayer later, but in case I forget, I have done it.
On January 1, people make well-intentioned resolutions to lose weight or work out and don’t keep them for long. In the same way, many Christians make well-intentioned plans for a robust prayer life or to read the Bible and then don’t keep up with that. And then they feel guilty about not doing what they really want to do, imitating St. Paul’s words in Romans 7:15.
The answer to the “double life” that most of us are living, doing the things we don’t want to do and struggling in our secret hearts, is first and foremost, a life of repentance and intentionality. We need to stop the things we know are wrong—both the things that are sinful and the things that are unhealthy. We need to start doing the things that are right, but doing them in small, manageable amounts. I remember asking my spiritual father years ago, “how long should I pray each day?” And his answer was “pray!” Make sure that the day does not go by without praying. Set aside time each day to pray. Set aside a few minutes to read Scripture. Identify a bad habit and get some control over it. Be more focused, disciplined and intentional. If you are dealing with some spiritual shame, go to confession and get rid of the shame. And when you are struggling with something in your secret heart that no one can know about, bring that to God. He knows it already anyway, and ask Him to give you wisdom in your secret heart.
Lord, there are things I know are right and things I know are wrong. There are temptations that I continually fall to. Help me to focus on what is right, and choose to avoid what is wrong. There are temptations that I want to avoid. Help take control of my secret heart that desires the things that are wrong, and put wisdom and inspiration in my secret heart. Help me to focus and be intentional so that my life is more singularly focused on You today, and in those moments when I am tempted to do the things that are wrong, even things that I hate but will do anyway, give me wisdom from within and encouragement from others, so that I can serve You in all I do today. Amen.
If a “double life” was an impediment to Christianity, none of us would make it. The “double life” is one of the greatest challenges to Christianity. Because the life of a Christian is to love God. We can’t sin and love God (and others) in the same moment. In this we are all living double lives. Our sinful nature can never be overcome, but it can be managed through repentance, focus and intentionality.
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