It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.
I Corinthians 13:5
It is interesting to note that in I Corinthians 13:4-8, in describing love, St. Paul lists eight things that love is or does, and eight things that it is not. In today’s reflection we will examine five of the eight things that love is not.
Love is not arrogant or rude. In the moments when we are being either of these things, we are not loving. In fact, arrogance and rudeness become impossible to be in the moments when we are loving. Arrogance goes one step beyond boastfulness. To boast means to be very prideful about one’s accomplishments, or to exaggerate them. To be arrogant would be to insist that one’s accomplishments are better than everyone else’s. It puffs up the ego of the person being arrogant and at the same time demeans the ego of everyone else. To be arrogant means to put oneself ahead while putting others down.
To be rude is acting like someone else is not even there. To cut someone off in traffic, or in line. Or to make a sweeping comment about “those kinds of people” when surrounded by the kinds of people we are putting down. To make criticism when it is not warranted. Or even if it is, to deliver it in a manner which demeans others unnecessarily.
Love does not insist on its own way. This means that love allows things to happen organically, it doesn’t force ones own agenda. In working with young people and giving advice on how to navigate the dating scene, the following phrase is often evaluated: I love you so much that I only want you to do what you feel comfortable with. When this phrase is used, the person using it is really saying “I’ll do whatever you let me get away with.” Because when the first phrase is offered, there is an agenda behind it. And love doesn’t have an agenda. It does not force an idea.
There is a fine line between encouragement and peer pressure. Encouragement to try something new that someone might actually like is an expression of love. Peer pressuring someone into doing it is not. Where is the line? Probably when the words “come on” are used. When something doesn’t happen organically after a couple of rounds of encouragement, when badgering or nagging or cajoling begins, this is where love ends. As the saying goes “if you are trying too hard to get a square peg into a round hole, it’s probably not the right thing.” When we are trying so hard to do something that just isn’t working, it might be a sign that we are doing the wrong thing, and we should just drop it. When something isn’t happening organically between people, it might be a sign that they are going in the wrong direction or doing something at the wrong time or prematurely.
There is no way to avoid getting upset or frustrated. Even Jesus got upset with the moneychangers in the temple and overthrew their table. He got frustrated with the disciples’ inability to understand His words. Irritability is when someone becomes angry without provocation. We might use the word “cranky” here. When someone doesn’t sleep enough and they begin the day tired, they are more likely to be irritable or cranky, without provocation. They are already playing “down” because they haven’t slept enough. Physical and emotional health aid greatly in helping us to be less irritable. Some people get irritated easily. Perhaps that is a personality trait they need to work on. Perhaps they are pessimistic (we will discuss this in the next reflection). Irritability is something a person can work on.
Resentment is irritability building up over a period of time. A person can get somewhat of a handle on irritability by taking a nap or getting a good night’s sleep. When someone irritates us, discussing the problem in a timely fashion can reduce irritability. When a problem festers, and leads to more or bigger problems between people, this is where resentment creeps in, and along with it, toxicity. A relationship where resentment is present is not going to express love properly. And when a relationship moves into a toxic realm, then love drops out entirely and the relationship collapses.
We are all arrogant, rude, insistent, irritable and even resentful at times. This is why we need to check ourselves—in prayer, in realizing we need repentance, in the sacrament of confession. In interpersonal relationships, it is important to build a culture of love—where we are patient and kind, because this will allow us to move through moments of irritability so that we don’t get to the resentful stage. It all sounds easy on paper. In reality, this stuff is hard. This is why we pray for ourselves, and why we pray for others, especially those who irritate us, because we don’t want our relationships to devolve into resentful ones which become toxic and then come to a bad ending.
Reflecting on these verses on love, it’s too bad that St. Paul didn’t throw the word “forgiveness” in as it pertains to love. Because a culture of forgiveness is needed especially in our times of irritability. I suppose forgiveness relates most closely to patience in the deficits. Because when another person disappoints us, it creates a deficit, and sometimes when the deficit cannot be fixed, it just needs to be forgiven in order to move on.
Lord, help me to be more loving. Help me to recognize when I am prideful, arrogant and rude, and to work to not be these things. Help me to be patient and allow things to happen organically, not force them. Be with me this day and take away from me the impulse to be irritated. Give me patience in the moments when I might be tempted to be irritated. Help me to practice good physical and mental health so that I can be more patient and less irritable. Guard my relationships (mention any that are moving towards resentment or toxicity) so that I will not feel resentment (towards someone in particular). Thank you for showing us an example of how to get frustrated without being resentful. Help me to model Your example of love today and always. Amen.
In seeking to become loving people, we must remember that in the moments when we are arrogant, rude, insistent, irritable or resentful that we are not loving in the way that we should be.
