Love is patient and kind.
I Corinthians 13:4
As we discussed, St. Paul’s first descriptive word when it comes to “love” is that love is patient (I Corinthians 13:4) because there are deficits that exist in every human relationship so in order for any relationship to work, there has to be patience in dealing with them. The second descriptive word is that love is kind. We deal with deficits between two people not only with patience (which means not only one moment of patience, but enduring patience, or as some translations of the Bible offer, long-suffering) but with kindness.
Many times, the deficits that exist between two people try patience or push a limit of frustration. This forces a confrontation, or the need for delivering bad news, (hopefully contrastive rather than destructive) criticism or correction. We’ve all been at both ends of this. We’ve all been “punished” for wrongdoing or misunderstanding. Sometimes punishment needs to be severe, sometimes relationships get severed. In the case of a crime, sometimes punishment results in loss of freedom. However, for purposes of reflection, let’s stick to commitment relationships—friendships, family relationships, etc. When there is a deficit that needs to be addressed, it should be done with kindness. There is a way to correct someone in a way that is gentle, constructive and even encouraging. If we want a relationship that will last, we need to be kind in addressing the deficits.
In Galatians 5:22-23, when St. Paul lists the Fruit of the Spirit, which include love, patience and kindness, he then writes against such there is no law. In other words, it is never wrong to be kind. There will never be a reason to not be kind. In delivering even the worst kind of news—a prison sentence imposed by a judge, a boss firing an employee, etc.—we should work to do it with kindness.
In choosing to be kind, we maintain the dignity and humanity of another person. In choosing words that are unkind, we reduce another person to an object that is to be discarded, rather than a person who still has value. In choosing to deliver a difficult message with kindness, at the very least you maintain a person’s humanity, if not their dignity. And at best, you get a relationship over a bump and preserve love, trust and respect.
One challenge in the world today is how to be kind in times of disagreement. There is so much polarization when it comes to political and social issues and in many circumstances, people who disagree first become unkind and sometimes become estranged, even hostile. Kindness allows for two people to “agree to disagree” and still remain friends.
Kindness is a choice. And kindness starts with a choice to build a framework in relationships where the desire for all parties is not to hurt one another. It is easier to be kind when you set a goal not to hurt other people, including people that you love. If we ground a relationship in the words “I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want you to hurt me,” and we work towards that end, you’ll see how easy it is to maintain kindness while still freely disagreeing. Because one can still be kind but firm. One can constructively criticize and still be kind about it.
One thing we can all do better is to check ourselves before we speak. Ask yourself if what you are about to say can be construed as unkind or unchristian. And if the answer is yes it would be unkind or unchristian, give some careful thought before you speak, take a step back and say what you want to say in a kind way, even if it is a corrective comment.
So many times in the Bible, we hear Jesus offering corrective words to others, like asking Peter not to doubt when he started sinking in the water (Matthew 14:22-33), or asking Zacchaeus (the dishonest tax collector) to come down from the tree and meet Him (Luke 19:1-10), or the rich ruler whom Jesus told to sell everything and follow Him (Matthew 19:18-27) When I think of each of these instances, I think of Jesus correcting with kindness and out of love, not judgment. He wanted the best for each of these people. He wanted each to come to salvation. He still saw value in each, despite some serious shortcomings. May we be the same with one another.
Lord, thank You for the gift of this day. Help me to extend kindnesses to people and to refrain from saying things that are unkind. Please surround me with people who will not only treat me with kindness but people who can teach me how to be even more kind to those around me. Amen.
If you need to offer correction or criticism to deal with a deficit with someone else, be sure to do it with kindness.
